Reverb10: Day 31

Day 31: Core Story. What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Author: Molly O’Neill)

I would say that my core story is "experience". I sometimes feel like the reason I came to planet earth was to be a physically manifested being and to experience all the comes with this. This includes both the good and bad. I love physical sensations of all kinds (taste, smell, touch, sounds, etc). I feel I even have a unique relationship with pain and illness. I am a very emotional person, I feel things in big ways (both joy and sadness). I am not a sensation seeker. I don't go to extreme physical places for my experience. I feel like I am more interested in the experience of the every day.
I explore the experiences of my life in several ways. Self awareness is a big part of this. I see myself as a mystery sometimes and I can't turn down a mystery. I love watching my own behaviour and marveling at where it might of come from. Emotions are another big part of this. I see emotions as a guide map to things I can see right away. They let me know that things are good but they also let me know when things are no so good (our logical minds often have a hard time figuring this out). Most aspects of my life are filtered through self awareness and emotion, and ultimately through that idea of experiencing life.
The shadow side of this story is that I can over analyze all my experiences in order to understand them. Sometimes I just need to let go and just experience and let it settle deep down. I can also let my emotions get away with me just for the experience. I get swept away in the experience of the emotions. I can be super hyper because I am so full of joy and I can wallow in sadness. This sometimes gets in my way and can make other people concerned, confused, or annoyed.
I have chosen two themes for the year to come; showing up and adventure. I first need to show up in my own life and once I am there I need to experience it as an adventure. Both these themes fit well into my core story. I need to take my self awareness and passionate nature and use it to show up and experience everything as an adventure. I can use my two themes to avoid being over analytical and to remind myself to always moving and not get stuck in the moment (to avoid holding on to a moment long after the moment is over).

Showing up for my own adventure!!
Next year is going to fabulous!!

December Views ~ for a coming year...

December Views ~ a last round up

Here are a wack of photos for the last days of December Views...

~Beach Flare~

~ Highlight~

~The Compass~

~Sunlit Cedar~

~ Cascades at Sunset~

Reverb10: Day 28

Day 28– Achieve. What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

To live more fully in my own life.
I will feel more engaged, happier, I will feel down less often, my thoughts will be more productive and working towards encouragement versus discouragement. There will be a flow, things will be easier.

Five New Things

1. Clean my space. I know I feel happier and that energy flows better when I live in an organized clean space. Over the holidays I have been really lazy (which is a good thing) and so parts of the house are excessively cluttered with stuff. Cleaning this all up will help me feel more interested in being engaged in activities around my house.
2. Make a list of "to do's" and check some of them off. Part of not wanting to be engaged in my life comes from feeling overwhelmed by stuff that I need to do. Sometimes it just piles on all at once and I end up dropping most of it and spend days staring at the TV instead. When I check things off a list (even little things) I feel accomplished and this gives me energy. I get positive feedback from myself that I can actually accomplish the things I need to do.
3. Journal more often. This is initially prompted from idea #2 because I often do a specific journal exercise at night that starts with the sentence "Today I...". I then make a list of all the things I have done that day. This is not particularly a list of things that needed doing. It could include things such as "laughed" or "ate christmas cake with mint ice cream" or "gave lots of hugs". It is anything that made my day what it was. On bad days this can even include "got out of bed" or "ate something". This idea extends beyond feeling accomplished. While I find journaling on a regular basis difficult, I also know that I find it a very good way to both dump stuff from my brain and to get deeper insight into myself.
4. Photography. My friend Darlene in this recent post at HippyUrbanGirl talked about how in times when her life was rough and full of grief that photography became a place for her to breathe. I feel like photography is becoming this for me. It is a way to document my life for myself in a way that I don't have to explain or justify to anyone. It is a place where all I see is beauty in everything my lens finds. A place to breathe. I've already decided to do Self Portrait 365, which will be both challenging and self reflective. Perhaps I should also gently commit myself to more photo walks in general.
   
5. Yoga. I have a yoga pass that I do not use enough. When I bought it I had planned on going at least 3 times a week. I've been doing yoga since I was 3 or 4 and it has always connected me to my body and calmed my mind. I always feel more stable when I am doing regular yoga and I enjoy the ritual of going to a class for an hour and a half.

Five New Thoughts

1. I will be OK. Cultivate trust in the universe.
2. I can do anything. If I put my mind to things I can achieve anything I can dream of.
3. I am worthy of love. No matter who I am or what I do, people do love me.
4. It is up to me. My life is actually in my control, not the control of others. My decisions for my life are just right, even if other do not think so. Ultimately it is me who should decide where my life will go.
5. Every day is a new choice for adventure. Each day I choose how to engaged with my life and I can engaged with a sense of adventure, joy, and love.
   

Reverb10: Day 29

Day 29 – Defining Moment. Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year. (Author: Kathryn Fitzmaurice)

I would say the moment that had effected me the most this last year was the 2 hour panic attack I had in my closet in June . I hadn't had a panic attack in 3 or 4 years. I used to have them on a daily basis and I had worked hard to change my life and change my thinking so that panic wasn't a part of my life.

Yet here I was, again, panicking in my closet (I always panic in my closet, it always seems the safest place to be when panicking). I had just spent that previous three weeks doing math for 8 hours a day (I was under a unreasonable time constraint to finish). It had been exhausting for sure, but what had gotten to me the most was my inability to do it. This went way beyond not being very good at math and missing some crucial early math education (thanks for that one shitty BC school system). It was almost like I stopped being able to learn at all. It was extremely frustrating. I could go over the same type of problem over and over and over again and not learn anything from one example to the next. I would make the same mistake again and again. I was totally blocked. There were several reasons for this blockage, most of which have since resolved themselves (more or less), but this blockage and panic deeply effected me for the rest of the year.

I didn't have any more panic attacks after that day. As usual with these types of things it scared me enough to make some immediate decisions and changes (I stopped doing math 8 hours a day for one). Yet it did make me disengage. I stopped participating in parts of my life. I spent most of the rest of the year feeling blocked, which really doesn't make you want to care very much about much of anything.

I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason, to be in line with paths we have chosen for ourselves. I am still not certain how this last year fits into who I am or where I am going, but I do know that I want to be more a part of this whole thing called life.

Reveb10; Day 27

Day 27 – Ordinary Joy. Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year? (Author: Brené Brown)

While I get a lot out of spending time with friends and community I also deeply enjoy spending time alone. I think the times that I have spent with myself have been some of my most joyful this year. There are certain iconic moments that happen every year at some point that fill me with an overwhelming sense of contentment and joy at being alive.

• Sitting snuggled up somewhere with the cats, a warm blanket, a hot cup of tea, and a book while listening to heavy rain outside (knowing I am warm and dry).
• Putting on classical piano music and having tea and fresh baked goodies with the sun streaming through all the windows.
• Digging my hands deep into earth and then having all those little moments of tending to the garden as the plants grow bigger and bigger.

Reverb10: Day 26

Day 26: Soul Food. What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

This year I discovered deer. I have always disliked wild game, perhaps because I was raised a semi-vegetarian and never had exposure to wild (read "exotic") meat. But this year brought me into contact with lots of it. I have been blessed this year with wild meat. I have had yummy yummy deer, cooked and raw (even rendered deer fat, yummy). I currently have a house packed with native caught wild salmon (canned, smoked, BBQ, you name it, we've eaten it this year). I also have a freezer packed with gifted moose and elk (thanks to some of my lovely chosen family). Turns out I LOVE wild meat. Deer is my favorite, but all the rest is stellar too.
It is a very funny story with me and meat. I often enjoy conversations with vegans I know because I find that we have very similar beliefs about animals. I also find it absolutely fascinating that I come to a completely different conclusion about eating meat than they do (convergences/divergences of this nature always greatly intrigue me). I've tried to commit myself to a particular diet this past year. I haven't been totally successful, both from lack of access and simply caving to the norm. I would really like to continue on the path I started this year, particularly with my choices around meat and corn.
Heck, if someone like me can stop eating wheat I can do anything (it will just take me 6 or 7 years)!!